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What NOT to say to your wife during an argument

06-Jul-2017

Words have a powerful impact, particularly in relationships. In marriage, the impact is even deeper because of the level of intimacy. 


Jesus said “words can kill”  Words are released at close range by the person in life whose opinion matters most. In the midst of a disagreement, we have the power with the words we choose to either escalate or disarm the situation. 


“You are getting upset over nothing!”


This is normally an attempt to quickly move beyond the issue at hand with a superficial silver lining. It belittles something she feels is important, disregards her feelings, and ultimately, it lacks empathy. Anything that follows these two words will only serve to deepen the conflict and disconnection.


“Why should I care.”


If this one comes out in the heat of an argument, it can cause significant damage. It will end all communication for the night. These three words have actually started more conflict in our house than anything else I’ve said. She might want help with a decision or my opinion. I say, “I don’t care,” meaning, “I don’t have an opinion. I could go either way.” What she hears is, “I don’t want to do this with you. I don’t care about you.”


“You’re being ridiculous.”


She might be. She may be swept up in so much emotion and hurt that she is ignoring all reason and facts. However, she’s not going to be able to see it at this moment no matter how clearly you explain it, but especially if you say it this way. All it will do is throw gasoline on the crazy. It’s best to listen and acknowledge her feelings. Reason with her later when she has calmed down.


“I may have done that, but you…”


This is nothing more than a deflection from taking full responsibility and making amends. Throwing an accusation at her while she’s doing the same will only intensify the conversation because it shows our desire to win rather than reach a resolution. When we have done something wrong then we need to show leadership by owning it and apologizing. This disarms the fight.